What if it were possible that this time of anxious isolation could bring ‘kids from hard places’ even closer to trusting those who love and care for them?
What if….
Many of our adopted and fostered children are ‘kids from hard places’. Kids whose early years were full of instability, food scarcity, inconsistent even unsafe living environments, unhealthy competition, and spotty or conditional love, at best. A tough way to be introduced to love and trust…. Right? Not fair but their reality. And they are now ours and we are glad. They are in homes with stability, food, safety, unconditional love, and an abundant future despite the current crisis. Imperfect but healthy and loving places.
So why, in this time of quarantined togetherness, are many reverting to the alarming behaviors we saw early on? The intentional drama, withdrawal, screaming, breaking things in anger, hiding food, picking fights, sadness, aggression, and then out of the blue we see a personality change to overly sweet, cuddly, and attentive. Have we walked into a Steven King movie by accident? Is this the end of times? What is going on?
This is more than just getting on each other’s nerves which is happening in families all around us. For our kids and for us, it runs a bit deeper. Anxious times trigger things.
For our kids:
“This doesn’t feel right. I don’t know what’s going on, but last time things felt this way, I got moved again.”
“Mom and Dad aren’t acting the same. Are they mad at us/me?”
“I wonder if my other/birth/first Mom is ok. I remember her.”
“I wonder if my brothers/sisters are ok. We aren’t in the same place. I am worried.”
“Are Grandma and Grandpa ok?”
“I hear about people dying. What if …?”
For us:
“Am I really supposed to be parenting these kids? I feel so inadequate.”
“Is this normal for kids to act this way? What if it doesn’t change?”
“If we were real parents, we would know what to do.”
“At this moment I don’t even like them much, let alone love them. That can’t be right. Did we make a mistake?”
“What if someone else is supposed to be raising these kids? What If they were meant for someone else?”
Does any of this sound familiar for the adoptive parents out there? These are real times and they uncover real feelings, thoughts, and challenges. You are not alone in your doubts. We are all there at times. I believe it is possible that this time of anxious isolation can bring ‘kids from hard places’ even closer to trusting and loving us.
I would like to start a dialogue, a virtual conversation with groups of parents who resonate with where we are right now. I will host two 45-minute Zoom conversations on Friday May 1, 2020. It won’t cost you a thing but your time. If you are interested in sharing thoughts and strategies with other parents like yourself, please register. Each group will be no larger than 10 people so we can have a good conversation. Interested? Register through the button below.
Follow me on my Facebook page for future virtual conversations. All registrations are through my website at kayeoneal.com