Daunting thought isn’t it.
The good, enriching, loving relationships are easy to claim as ‘what we want’. Tougher are those we struggle with. Those with a strong emotional connection that are a bit off kilter at best and painful in their worst. How can it be possible that those too are relationships we ‘want’? In our hearts don’t we see something different, better?
Yes… and therein lies the rub or the gap as it seems. When we want something different, we must want it enough to do the work to have it; otherwise it is just a pipedream.
Dreaming about what we want is a great first step. It gives us a vision for what it could be like, that difficult relationship playing out in a way that is loving, secure, whole. We become emboldened by what we see, hear, smell, imagine. We want. And now what?
We face a decisive moment each time. We either want it enough to gain understanding and adapt, to see reality and take some different path or we hold the dream a bit longer, live in the discomfort and hurt until we are ready or until our dream changes. We choose the quality of that relationship every time. We choose the exact relationship we want, every time.
You may be thinking about a relationship that is currently different from what you really want. If you are like most people, you are being a bit critical of yourself for living with it as it is. Maybe some gilt is creeping in? All human reactions. What I have learned is there are at least three considerations available in every decisive moment.
First consider Love and Forgiveness
Shirzod Chamine, author of Positive Intelligence, writes, “Most of us are doing our darndest to be the best human beings we know how to be. We are imperfect, all of us. We fall short of our ideals and so do others.” He goes on to say that self-empathy recharges our batteries. Think of empathy as the superpower you use when emotional reserves run low, when you need some unconditional love and acceptance before moving into problem-solving and action. Self-empathy is your own personal, supportive reality check. Since we are doing our darndest to be the best human beings we can be, forgiveness for ourselves and others is available. We don’t have to be (can’t be) perfect so decide and adjust in the moment.
Second consider Timing
Waiting to do something can have its genesis in fear or in faith. Both are real. Fear based waiting is usually the result of a story we tell ourselves or have told ourselves for a while that keeps us hesitant, afraid, small. A story I’ve told myself before is, “I can’t seem to do anything right with him/her. I can’t seem to figure out what he/she is upset about. I’m not capable. He/she is probably just going through a phase. I’ll just wait him/her out” … and many months later I still waited him/her out, stuck in it. I didn’t see the urgency to risk it and act. My story about myself kept me small and the relationship stalled.
Faith based waiting is different. It is usually the result of seeking understanding, planning, trusting and knowing that getting the mind and heart right are powerful forms of inactivity. Steven Covey said years ago that seeking to understand something or someone before you sought to be understood was a truth for successful people. I agree. Purposeful waiting and timing are valuable. We create the mindset for forward momentum. We have faith that our actions and readiness will prevail. We take a small or big step.
Third consider Courage
“All you need is 20 seconds of courage.” is a line from the movie We bought a Zoo. It has stuck with me. Hesitation to act because we are afraid to make a mistake, look foolish, be criticized, be laughed at, thought stupid, stand out, out shine, be noticed, and on and on and on keeps us from the real relationship we dream of and stuck in the relationship we have. When we are intimidated away from those 20 seconds of courage, we live with the relationship we have. Our hesitation to show courage makes it the one we want, by default. Hey, it’s only 20 seconds.
Finally
I’ve learned from my experience as an adoptive mom and from the experiences of friends and clients that family relationships in the adoption arena offer an additional layer of complexity and uncertainty. Our personal stories and beliefs run wild. That’s part of the reason I became certified as a Life Coach. If you want to continue the conversation about the relationships you really want, contact me at www.kayeoneal.com.